By Ashley Edwards Walker
Being single has its perks—mainly, the fact that your time is entirely your own. Want to stay in and binge-watch a show? Go for it. Feeling spontaneous and want to book a last-minute trip? No problem. But once you enter a relationship, things start to shift. Suddenly, it’s not just about what you want anymore—there’s someone else’s needs to think about. And that’s where the real challenge begins: figuring out how the both of you can each balance your wants and needs.
Take something as simple as your weekend plans. Maybe you’re the type who loves to go out and socialize, while your partner prefers quiet nights in. Instead of digging in your heels, compromise comes into play. It’s not about giving up a part of yourself, but about finding ways to make both people feel seen and respected.
In those early stages of a relationship, learning how to coexist while maintaining your independence can feel tricky. To dive deeper into how to compromise in a relationship, we chatted with three dating experts to get their insights on how to make it work.
Learn How To Compromise in a Relationship
Compromise is often about those small, everyday decisions that add up over time. It’s choosing to order takeout rather than cook, or skipping a personal hobby to spend time with your partner. It’s finding a balance between your preferences and theirs, even if it doesn’t always feel like a fair trade.
“All healthy adult relationships require flexibility,” says therapist and dating expert Michelle Herzog. “You’re two individuals with your own lives, but now that you’ve chosen to be together, your choices affect each other.”
Let’s be real: sometimes not getting your way is frustrating. And in the early days of a relationship, it can feel especially tricky to see how those little compromises fit into the bigger picture. The trick is learning when to bend and when to stand firm.
Identify your underlying needs
Before you begin any compromise, you need to figure out the type of relationship you both want to have. Neelam Verma, founder of Integrity Dating, suggests to start by asking yourselves, “What do we both want out of this?” and then let that guide the conversation.
For couples looking for something serious, it might mean rearranging your schedule to fit in that morning coffee together, or locking in regular date nights to make sure you’re factoring in that all-important quality time. For others who prefer something more casual, it’s all about setting clear boundaries and managing expectations. Figuring out what each person actually needs—and what their ideal relationship looks like—can clear up a lot of confusion and lay the groundwork for those important conversations ahead.
Take a kind and empathetic approach
Once you’re both aligned on what each other wants, the next step toward compromise requires “intentional, vulnerable, and respectful communication” says Neelam. The goal is to create a safe space where both people can share their thoughts and feelings, and that starts with one person being open.
According to Neelam, that might look like this: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. Something I’ve learned from past relationships—and just from knowing myself—is that quality time really matters to me. I know you’ve got a lot going on, so how can we figure out a way to make the most of the time we do have together, without it feeling like pressure?”
Vulnerability can feel scary, but it’s also necessary to build a lasting bond. And by being clear and open about your needs, you’re inviting the other person to do the same.
Keep a win-win mindset
Compromise often gets a bad rap, but the truth is, being flexible is key to any healthy relationship—it helps make sure both people’s needs and wants are being met.
“Because we live in a self-focused culture, a lot of people see compromise as giving something up,” says Liz Higgins, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling.
That’s why Liz encourages that you approach compromise with a win-win mind mindset, rather than a win-lose one. Instead of focusing on a perceived loss (I can’t get takeout because they want to save money by cooking instead), look at what action benefits the relationship as a whole (essentially, the money saved can be invested into even better date nights).
“It’s not, ‘I’ll do this for you,’ It’s, ‘What can I do for you that will also help you give me what I need?’” explains Liz.
Accept that things won’t always be equal
Compromise in a relationship is ongoing. And while it can be tempting to keep score (I gave up x, so you should have to give up y), Liz advises against that.
“Let each compromise be its own case,” she says. Otherwise, you might inadvertently fall into the trap of setting the expectation that you always have to meet in the middle—and this may not be sustainable long-term given that goals, careers, and priorities are always changing.
“As long as you continue to feel good being in the relationship, it’s okay to have those little imbalances,” Liz says. “Nothing is set in stone, and making space for flexibility allows you to revisit things, and explore readjusting them as needed.”
Keep checking in
That being said, as time goes on and things change, you might realize that a compromise that worked before just doesn’t fit anymore—whether it’s because your needs have shifted or your partner’s have.
“That’s why effective communication is really critical,” says Michelle. “For example, if one person begins to feel as though they’ve compromised so much that their needs are no longer being met in the relationship, it’s best to speak up rather than let resentment fester.”
In that case, Michelle suggests following this simple script: “‘I noticed I’m the one who has been really flexible. I know I’ve chosen that, but I am starting to feel a little [insert feeling]. I was hoping we could talk about finding more balance here so I don’t feel that way.”
As much as we try, no relationship is ever truly 50-50 all the time. But compromise is a handy tool to keep things from feeling off-balance for too long. When it’s done right, it can bring you and your partner closer. Remember, the healthiest relationships are built on finding common ground—even if it’s just agreeing on what series to watch next.