“Clingy” gets thrown around a lot in dating and relationships, but what does it actually mean? Is it about texting too much? Wanting to spend every second together? Or is there something deeper going on?
In reality, clinginess isn’t just about needing constant attention. It’s often tied to emotional needs, attachment styles, and past experiences. Some people crave closeness because of underlying insecurities, while others simply express love through frequent communication and affection. But here’s the real question: Is being clingy always a bad thing?
Many of us have felt anxious in relationships, waiting for a text back, overthinking plans, or fearing distance means disinterest. These behaviors don’t necessarily mean someone is “clingy” in a negative way. Instead, they may signal a need for reassurance, security, or a stronger emotional connection.
So how can you tell the difference between healthy closeness and excessive dependency? And if you or your partner struggle with clinginess, what steps can you take to create a more balanced dynamic? We asked chartered psychologist Dr. Jade Thomas, founder Luxe Psychology Practice to break it all down.
What the experts say about ‘being clingy’
Dr. Thomas explains, “Clinginess can be defined as a pattern of behavior where an individual exhibits excessive attachment or dependence on another person, often characterized by needing constant reassurance, affection, or attention. I would use the word ‘overdependence’ instead.”
But what’s the real meaning behind this behavior? According to Dr. Thomas, “Clinginess is often linked to attachment issues, such as those seen in individuals with anxious attachment styles. These behaviors can sometimes indicate a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment, potentially stemming from past experiences or childhood relationships.”
How clinginess manifests
Dr. Thomas highlights common behaviors associated with clinginess:
- “Overdependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional support or validation.”
- “Insecurity about the relationship, leading to frequent anxiety, jealousy, or fear of abandonment.”
- “Difficulty being alone or constantly seeking proximity to the other person, even when it’s not necessary.”
- “Over-communication, such as texting or calling excessively, and needing constant affirmation.”
Is clinginess always a bad thing?
“Clinginess isn’t always inherently negative,” says Dr. Thomas. “It depends on the context and intensity of the behavior. For example, if someone is going through a difficult time, such as grieving or facing a stressful event, they may exhibit clinginess as a way to seek comfort or reassurance. In such cases, it’s often a temporary need for support.”
She adds, “Some people are naturally more emotionally expressive or need higher levels of closeness and reassurance in relationships. If both partners are comfortable with this dynamic, it may not be a problem.” The key, she notes, is balance, both individuals’ emotional needs and boundaries should be respected. Rather than putting all the pressure on your partner to meet your emotional needs, try getting that from within—solo dates can be great for this.
How to deal with clingy or anxiously attached tendencies
Dr. Thomas explains that managing anxious attachment and overdependence starts with building self-esteem and self-worth. “Anxious attachment is often connected to low self-esteem and a fear of not being good enough. Engaging in activities that build confidence—like pursuing hobbies, achieving personal goals, or practicing positive self-talk—can reduce the need for constant validation from others.”
Clear communication also plays a crucial role. “If you’re feeling insecure or uncertain, express those feelings without demanding constant reassurance. Work on creating a balance where your needs are met without overwhelming the other person.” Being able to express your feelings in a healthy way helps both people in a relationship understand each other better.
Another key aspect is developing emotional regulation skills, explains Dr. Thomas: “Instead of reacting impulsively when feeling insecure or anxious, practice regulating your emotions by pausing and reflecting before acting on emotional impulses (like texting or calling excessively). Ask yourself questions like, ‘Am I reacting based on the present situation or my past fears?’ Learn to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty instead of seeking immediate relief from anxiety.” Taking a step back and thinking about your emotions can help ease stress tied to attachment.
For those struggling with anxious attachment, seeking professional support can help, “If your anxious attachment is significantly affecting your life or relationships, it can be good to work with a therapist to identify the root cause of this and develop techniques to manage anxiety,” she says. Therapy gives you tailored tips to build more security and independence in your relationships.
Looking at clinginess through the lens of attachment styles and emotional needs can turn the conversation from judgment to understanding yourself better. Whether you or your partner experience anxious attachment, the goal isn’t to eliminate closeness but to create a healthy, balanced dynamic that supports both individuals in the relationship.