We all go through pain in life, like grief, heartbreak and disappointment—but trauma hits deeper. It can change how we see the world, our emotions, and the way we connect with others, especially in relationships. Sometimes, trauma can make it harder to trust or communicate the way we’d like, but with awareness, we can move forward and create healthier, stronger, and more authentic relationships.
Our expert partners at Bloom, the free, online support program for survivors, break it down for us, by explaining how it can show up in new relationships, along with strategies for navigating dating and intimacy after trauma.
How can trauma show up when we’re dating?
Trauma can really shape how we experience relationships, sometimes making them feel uncertain or overwhelming, which is why getting back into dating can feel especially triggering. Someone who has experienced trauma might find themselves having a panic attack on a date, or even feeling like they’re slipping into a flashback with a new partner. Other times, they might notice themselves pulling away—even if they really like the person they’re seeing.
“You may find yourself inexplicably triggered or stuck in fight, flight, or freeze states,” says Aishwarya Dattani, one of Bloom’s trauma-informed therapist partners. “You might also grapple with self-doubt, fear of rejection, or heightened sensitivity to abandonment or betrayal,” Aishwarya explains. “Small gestures—or the absence of them—can serve as triggers, as they’re tied to your past experiences. Building trust in your new relationship may feel harder, and you may lean towards perfectionism or even people-pleasing tendencies as ways to avoid rejection.”
Once you start noticing these patterns, you begin to understand how your past experiences shape your relationships. It’s the first step toward creating healthier, more supportive dynamics.
What is ‘Big T’ trauma and ‘Little t’ trauma?
You may have heard people talk about trauma in terms of ‘Big T’ trauma or ‘Little t’ trauma. All forms of trauma deserve attention and breaking it down this way allows us to recognize that healing isn’t limited to the most dramatic or obvious experiences.
“‘Big T’ trauma refers to the kind of trauma that results from a major traumatic event that may be violent and shocking—this could be a loss of a close relative or interpersonal violence,” says Aishwarya. “‘Little t’ trauma, on the other hand, refers to the kind of trauma that results from chronic or recurring events that may not appear major or shocking on their own, but cumulatively impact the nervous system in similar ways to ‘Big T’ trauma.”
‘Little t’ trauma might look like constant criticism from an ex-friend or gaslighting in your job. It can even show up after a particularly drawn-out and painful breakup. It also helps us realize that we don’t need to compare our struggles to others—healing is personal and everyone’s journey is valid.
What can returning to dating look like after experiencing trauma?
Trauma can really shape how we approach new romantic and sexual relationships. It might show up as difficulty trusting others, trouble setting boundaries, or even finding ourselves repeating old patterns with new partners.
“I would start by slowing down,” Aishwarya says. “Take time to notice the physical sensations in your body, and ground yourself by focusing on soothing anchors. These anchors can include objects, scents, or sounds that feel comforting.”
Aishwarya also recommends exploring triggers as a tool for understanding and establishing boundaries. When navigating dating or new relationships, triggers might feel like a surge of anxiety, especially when you don’t get a response from someone right away. You’re probably familiar with the concept of getting ‘butterflies’, but sometimes it can be difficult to work out if that feeling is excitement or anxiety. Remember, the right people make you feel safe—not scared.
“Triggers can often reflect past boundary violations,” Aishwarya explains. “But they can often offer valuable insights into how we want to be treated. By recognizing these, we can communicate our boundaries to future dates or partners in a way that is clear and respectful, without assigning blame. Allowing relationships to unfold at a pace that feels comfortable for you can be a great way to establish safety and build trust gradually. Being honest about your needs and comfort levels helps create that trust and understanding in new relationships.”
Finally, “celebrate your progress”, Aishwarya says. “Whether it’s going on a coffee date or setting a boundary, every step counts in creating relationships that feel good.”
Taking the time to slow down, ground yourself, and explore your triggers can help you rebuild your confidence when dating and entering new relationships. While healing isn’t always a linear journey, it’s absolutely possible to form deeper, healthier relationships—with others and, just as importantly, with yourself.