There are a lot of buzzwords around toxic relationships: emotional blackmail, stonewalling, and gaslighting (to name just a few). But while we’ve gotten better at labeling these behavior patterns, it’s still easy to miss the signs of abuse—especially when you’re in the thick of it. While exact numbers are hard to come by, experts agree that abuse in relationships is far more common than we often realize. 

Going through an abusive relationship can leave you feeling lost, confused, and unsure of where to turn next. Acknowledging your emotions, understanding how what you’ve been through can impact your sense of self, and knowing when to seek support are all important steps on the road to recovery. 

To support you, our partners at Bloom, the free online trauma support program for survivors, have put together some tips on how to heal from an abusive relationship. Reading about abuse can sometimes bring up difficult or triggering feelings, so go at your own pace while reading this. We’ll include some links at the end if you need further support. 

What are the signs of an abusive relationship? 

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, abuse can be defined as: “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” 

These relationships can make you feel like you need to change how you act, think, or believe, to meet the demands or expectations of the other—usually due to fear or intimidation. This might look like ignoring your own needs to please the other person or being hypervigilant to their moods. 

“Understanding the signs of abusive relationships can empower you to identify unhealthy dynamics,” says Bloom therapist partner, Laura Ramírez Vergara. 

Being a survivor of an abusive relationship might impact you in different ways, both short and long-term. 

Physical abuse involves bodily damage and hurt. This can include hitting, pushing, and being physically restrained. People often think that this is the only type of abuse, but it’s important to remember that abuse can take other forms, like the ones listed below. 

Sexual abuse includes any type of sexual act where the other person hasn’t consented. This can be any form of touch, being forced to have sex, or being forced to listen to sexual comments or watch pornography. Sexual abuse can happen online and in digital spaces, too. 

Psychological or emotional abuse involves manipulation, intimidation, belittling, or controlling behavior. 

“It undermines survivors’ self-esteem and mental wellbeing,” Laura explains. 

Emotional abusers constantly criticize, shame, blame, or humiliate others to get what they want—coercive control also falls under this. 

Financial abuse can include having your money, property, or personal possessions controlled, restricted, or stolen. You may have been pressured to give money or change a will, or you might not have had control over your own finances or access to your accounts. This can happen in the early and late stages of a relationship—and on dating apps.

Digital or technology-facilitated abuse uses technology to stalk, harass, monitor, or control someone. It might look like excessive monitoring of your phone or social media accounts, or using technology to contact you more than you’re comfortable with. 

What recovery from an abusive relationship looks like 

“The process of recovery from abuse is not linear; it often involves ups and downs,” explains Laura. “It requires patience and self-compassion. Each recovery path is unique and will be shaped by you and what resources are available to you, like therapy, support networks, or ways of processing trauma through arts and movement. 

Here are five tips from Laura on how to navigate recovery.  

Acknowledge and validate how you feel

The first step in recovery involves recognizing and naming the abuse. Healing also involves acknowledging and validating your emotions—basically, it’s okay not to be okay. 

“Remember to give yourself permission to feel,” Laura says. “Emotions are valid and offer important insights about yourself, how you show up in relationships, and your values.”

Prioritize self-care and self-compassion

Prioritizing yourself means identifying your physical, emotional, and social needs. Abuse has an impact on your sense of self, which is why reconnecting with yourself can feel challenging. 

“Abuse can make you doubt or even deny your needs, and it undermines your confidence in your abilities,” says Laura. “Dissociation as a protective mechanism is not uncommon—it’s part of suppressing your needs as a way to cope with what’s going on.”

After being in an abusive relationship, many people find themselves stuck in survival mode, scanning for possible threats. This makes it difficult to tune into what you really want and need.

“Limiting beliefs regarding having needs and self-care can promote guilt and shame when you’ve been taught to prioritize others’ needs before their own,” says Laura. “A lack of social support is another issue. Most survivors suffer from isolation, as their support networks are often disrupted or severed by the abuser, which leaves them with a lack of guidance, reassurance, or encouragement from others.”

Laura advises taking it one step at a time, focusing on the present, and tackling challenging moments with self-compassion. 

Manage your triggers

Tuning into your feelings is key, but noticing your trauma responses is where the real growth happens. 

“It’s important to recognize that your trauma responses are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances,” says Laura. “They are your mind and body’s way of processing what happened and protecting you. Your body is your ally—listen to it.” 

Experiencing hypervigilance, flashbacks, or emotional numbness are all common impacts of trauma.

Build safety and support

“Setting boundaries and building a support network is essential for emotional stability,” Laura explains. 

Boundaries protect your personal space, emotions, and values. They help you feel safe in relationships. Though past abuse can make it difficult to establish them, Laura says that “challenging beliefs like ‘No one will respect my boundaries’,’’ can help. 

“Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect for boundaries, and those who truly care for you will honor them.” 

Connect with yourself

Trauma can leave you feeling out of touch with yourself and disconnected from the world around you. It’s like a fog that makes it harder to feel present or connected to others.

“Healing allows for reconnection with yourself and with others,” Laura explains. “This reconnection is crucial for regaining a sense of control over your life. It may involve setting boundaries, working out what makes you happy, pursuing personal goals, and making choices that prioritize your wellbeing.”

There’s no right way to heal from an abusive relationship, but self-compassion and kindness can help. You can explore more at Bloom when you’re ready to dig deeper. Take a look at these resources for support, and guidance: 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

WomensLaw.org (for legal help and resources)Bloom’s course on Recovering from toxic and abusive relationships delves deeper into abusive tactics, the science of trauma, and the cycle of coercive control. The course offers different tools to build positive self-esteem, such as journaling and somatic practice. Sign up for Bloom here.