By Chloe Laws
When you hear the phrase transactional relationships, it probably doesn’t spark the warmest feelings. It sounds clinical, detached, like something out of a business contract rather than a connection built on trust. Maybe it reminds you of a former friend or partner who always wanted something from you. You might even associate it with toxic relationships.
At its core, a transactional relationship is one where both parties give and receive something in return. This could be emotional support, financial stability, social status, or even convenience. Unlike traditional romantic partnerships that emphasize unconditional love and mutual care, transactional relationships often work because there is a clear exchange of benefits.
Are all relationships transactional?
Some argue that all relationships have transactional elements. Integrative psychotherapist and author of Real Talk. Tasha Bailey explains:
“We live in a society where we’re taught to repay kindness with kindness. In many cases, transactional relationships can be a healthy expression of reciprocity. Work partnerships or no-strings dating thrive in transactional relationships, where two people swap skills, advice, or attention that the other person values or needs.”
While some level of exchange exists in every relationship, the key difference is whether the relationship is built entirely on those exchanges or if there’s a deeper emotional connection.
What does a transactional relationship look like?
A transactional relationship is a dynamic where both people expect something specific in return for what they give. That doesn’t mean the relationship lacks care, but it does mean there’s a defined exchange at its core. Examples include:
- A friendship where one person only calls when they need a favor.
- A romantic relationship primarily based on financial security.
- A professional mentorship where guidance is expected in return for loyalty.
According to Charlotte Fox Weber, psychologist and author of What We Want, transactional relationships become unhealthy when they are driven by scorekeeping: “It’s draining when connection turns into a tally system. Instead of feeling safe, there’s a constant tracking of what you give and get. Sometimes, one person is oblivious to how each encounter is assessed—this can be death by a thousand paper cuts if resentment festers and insecurity takes over.”
When can transactional relationships be healthy?
Despite their reputation, transactional relationships can work in certain settings. If both parties clearly understand the dynamic and agree to it, they can even be beneficial. Some examples include:
- Professional mentorships: A mentor provides guidance while the mentee offers effort, respect, and sometimes networking opportunities.
- Business partnerships: Many professional relationships are inherently transactional—built on shared goals, mutual benefits, and clear expectations.
- Agreed-upon romantic arrangements: Some relationships function well when both people openly discuss their needs and expectations.
- Friendships of convenience: Not all friendships need to be deeply emotional. Some exist out of proximity, shared interests, or life stages—like work friendships that don’t extend beyond the office.
When do transactional relationships become unhealthy?
A transactional relationship turns problematic when:
- One person gives far more than they receive, leading to resentment.
- The relationship is built on unrealistic expectations.
- There’s no emotional connection—only an exchange of benefits.
- One person feels trapped due to financial, emotional, or social reliance.
- The relationship feels like a checklist rather than a meaningful connection.
Bailey warns that ghosting can also be a sign of transactional relationships, saying “a key indicator is when someone only checks in to create the right moment to ask for a favor later. Once they get what they need, they disappear.”
How to recognize if you’re in a transactional relationship
If you’re unsure about your relationship dynamic, ask yourself:
- Do I feel valued beyond what I provide?
- Would this person still be in my life if I couldn’t offer them something?
- Do we both benefit equally, or does one of us feel used?
- Is there emotional connection, or is it purely based on what we gain?
Charlotte Fox Weber highlights that true intimacy disappears when every action carries an expectation: “Relationships of every kind get into trouble when love and support feel conditional—measured, owed, or withheld. When partners keep unspoken ledgers, affection becomes a bargaining chip, and care feels like a performance rather than a choice.”
Should you avoid transactional relationships?
Not necessarily. The key is knowing what you want and making sure that both you and the other person are on the same page. Some transactional relationships work because they’re based on clear expectations and mutual respect. The problem arises when one person is unaware of, or unhappy with, the nature of the dynamic.
Bailey outlines a few ways to know the difference between a healthy exchange and one rooted in imbalance:
- Scorekeeping: If one person constantly tracks how much they’ve done in a relationship as a way to tally up what they’re owed, that’s a red flag.
- Feeling drained: If you constantly feel exhausted by the relationship, it’s likely become one-sided.
- Lack of authenticity: If you feel unseen for who you truly are and only valued for what you offer, the relationship lacks depth.
If you find yourself in a relationship that feels more transactional than fulfilling, ask yourself whether it aligns with your values. Open communication can help redefine the relationship—or reveal that it’s time to move on.
Breaking the cycle
If you feel stuck in a relationship where everything feels like a transaction, Fox Weber suggests shifting the mindset: “Real love isn’t a transaction; it’s a shared investment. Ask yourself: Do I feel safe, or do I have to ‘earn’ love? Would our connection last without external benefits? Am I giving freely, or expecting something in return?”
Bailey agrees that mutual generosity is key: “A healthy relationship isn’t about keeping score. It’s about giving because you want to—not because you feel like you have to.”
At the end of the day, relationships should feel enriching, not exhausting. Love, friendship, and connection thrive on mutual respect, trust, and emotional generosity—not silent contracts.