After Matching on Bumble, Lexie Helped Kay Come Out as Non-Binary
By Sara Gaynes Levy
When Kay accidentally swiped left on Lexie in February 2020, they panicked. “I swiped the wrong way!,” says Kay. “I immediately went and bought Bumble Premium so I could go back and find her.” Not only did Kay find Lexie gorgeous, they also were attracted to her background— and one quote in particular stood out: It said, “Don’t be a dick” and was attributed to “Jesus, probably,” Kay remembers. After Backtracking and matching with Lexie, Kay wrote, “God, you’re gorgeous. Can also confirm ‘don’t be a dick’ is definitely a Jesus quote.” The gamble worked. “It was an instant connection,” Lexie says. “From the very beginning, it was 100 percent and a hundred miles an hour.” In fact, says Kay, they talked about marriage in their very first chat. Something about Lexie just made Kay think, “this is my wife.”
Before their first in-person date, Kay, a law student, recorded their prediction for posterity: they filmed themselves for a social media video saying “OK, going to pick up my wife!” Kay and Lexie then went out for coffee—originally, that was the whole plan. But they were enjoying each other’s company so much they couldn’t seem to say goodbye. Coffee turned into a Mexican dinner, which turned into hanging out at the hotel where Lexie was temporarily living (she was doing clinical rotations in school to become a physician’s assistant). “It was just nonstop talking,” says Lexie of that first meeting. “There was no downtime. We agreed on literally everything.” A week later, Lexie invited Kay to a baby shower for her aunt. “I asked: how should I introduce you? Can I just call you my girlfriend?” (Kay was still using she/her pronouns at the time.) Kay said yes, and the relationship was official.
It was good timing. A few weeks later, early-COVID-era lockdowns began, and their relationship went from the fast lane to hyperspeed. Lexie was taken off her clinical rotations, and Kay actually moved into Lexie’s childhood home with her. “We got to live there for three months, spending all of our time together. It was a lot of fun!” Lexie says. “We just clicked on everything,” says Kay. “There was no question.” One of their shared values was their spirituality. Kay had been raised in a family that was very involved in the church, albeit one that wasn’t supportive of queer people. Kay had come out about a year before meeting Lexie, and they were looking for someone who could share their belief that faith is important without subscribing to some of what they saw as more insidious ideology. Since then the couple have been evolving their views together. “A big part of our relationship is having the same core beliefs of humanity and justice for everyone,” says Lexie.
By the fall, Kay was ready to propose. After asking Lexie’s dad for permission (“I think he did prefer it, and I like that they did that!” Lexie says of the old-school move), Kay set up an intimate proposal with champagne to their song, Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years.” The proposal may have seemed fast to some, but not to Kay or Lexie, who felt so perfectly connected to one another. And, in fact, it may have been that innate bond that explains why it was Lexie who first brought to Kay’s attention earlier this spring that they could be nonbinary. Kay recalls that there was one day when they were making a generalization about men during a conversation, and Lexie said, “Oh, except trans men. And you, if you decided that you wanted to be trans.” Kay froze. “I had this internal panic where I was like, this person has just seen straight through me,” they say. “And I was like, oh no, I can’t avoid this anymore. Now I have to actually deal with this.”
Kay eventually worked up the courage to broach the subject again with Lexie, saying, “I’ve kind of wondered if I’m non-binary.” Lexie assured Kay that she’d love them no matter what. “I think it was hard for Kay to open up to me about it because it was hard for them to accept that it might be possible for them to identify as anything other than female,” Lexie explains. True to form, Lexie once again was able to put into words something Kay needed to say but couldn’t. With support and encouragement, Kay began using they/them pronouns, first only at home, and then publicly. “Now, watching them come into their own and seeing them be comfortable with who they are, their body, and how they speak—it’s so much more wholesome,” says Lexie. “They’re able to be more vulnerable in every aspect of our life. It’s been a really beautiful thing, and it’s still happening! It’s so fun to watch them because as hard as it is being non-binary, they’ve never been happier in their identity.”
And, of course, Kay’s prediction came true— Lexie is their wife. The couple got married in fall 2021, with a ceremony on a trip to Iceland in September and a reception for family and friends at home a week later. Their wedding song was, again, “A Thousand Years.” The message of the song really resonates with the couple, who have felt an otherworldly presence in their relationship from day one. “We often talk about how it feels like we’ve known each other before this.” says Lexie. “Really in my heart, in the deepest part of my soul, I believe that I’ve known Kay before this life and I’ll know them after. I don’t know how to explain it. It feels like something that is eternal.”
When Kay thinks back on spending that extra few dollars to meet the woman who would help them become the fullest version of themselves, they’re almost in disbelief. “It’s really spiritual for me,” Kay says. “There was something in me [telling me I needed to meet this girl.] I don’t think I’ve ever felt a sense that strong.”
Main photo credit: Photography by Jami