By Chloe Laws 

‘Values’ is a term society talks about constantly: politically, romantically, and religiously. They can look different for everyone—what matters most is making sure yours vibe with the person you’re dating.

Take Gomez and Morticia Addams, for example. They’ve always been the best depiction in popular culture of a couple whose values align. Dark humor, passion, plus quality time and physical touch are their trademark love languages.

Research has found that partners, on average, share up to 89% of their traits, including deeper values such as religiosity and political leanings. It’s a reminder of just how central values are when it comes to building something solid, but how do you actually figure out what’s important to you in a relationship? And how do you make sure you’re on the same page as your partner? Let’s get into it.

What are relationship values?

Relationship values are the fundamental beliefs that guide how you and your partner approach life together. These values influence everything from communication and conflict resolution to lifestyle choices and long-term goals.  

“It’s not about sharing the same values, it’s about being compatible enough and respected deeply,” says associate therapist from Manhattan Wellness, Colette Sachs, LMSW. “You might not need to agree on everything, but you do need to agree on how to handle conflict, and how you’ll support each other’s growth, which is at the foundation of the trajectory of your relationship.”

Some common relationship values include:

• Trust and honesty: Being truthful and transparent with your partner.
  
• Respect: Valuing each other’s opinions, boundaries, and autonomy.
  
• Commitment: Prioritizing the relationship and making an effort to maintain it.
  
• Communication: Openly expressing feelings, needs, and concerns.
  
• Family and relationships with others: Deciding how much importance to place on extended family and friendships.
  
• Personal growth: Supporting each other’s ambitions and self-improvement.
  
• Lifestyle and finances: Agreeing on spending habits, saving goals, and work-life balance.

Getting clear on the values that matter most to you makes it easier to build a relationship that actually fits your beliefs—and your future.

Before discussing values with your partner, or even before setting up your Bumble profile to communicate your values, it’s essential to reflect on your own priorities. What actually matters to you? A bit of honest self-reflection now means way fewer awkward convos (and way more aligned connections) later.

How to identify your core relationship values

“A good starting point is to reflect on past relationships and what you have learnt about yourself through these experiences,” says associate therapist from Manhattan Wellness, Jacqulyn Glintz, LMSW. “Think about the relationships in your life that have been positive or healthy and why, and/or what you view as quality friendship traits, and how this could be correlated to desired qualities in a romantic relationship.” 

Here’s how to get started:

1. Reflect on past experiences

Think about your past relationships, romantic, platonic, and familial. What aspects of those relationships felt fulfilling? What issues led to conflict or dissatisfaction? Where did you feel a disconnect?

Identifying patterns in past relationships can help you determine what you value most and which values aren’t a fit for you. Sometimes, figuring out what we don’t want helps us recognize what we do.

2. Consider your life goals

Where do you see yourself in five, ten, or even twenty years? What kind of lifestyle do you want?

If you’re all about passport stamps and spontaneous getaways, someone who thrives on routine and predictability might not be the best match—and that’s totally okay. If you value reading over nightlife, prioritize social justice and allyship, or love to cook, these are all reflections of your values. You may want a partner who aligns with them, too.

3. Make a list of non-negotiables

Some values are flexible, while others are deal-breakers. Create a list of your must-have values in a relationship. These might include:

• Monogamy, polyamory, or open relationship preferences
  
• Religious or spiritual beliefs
  
• Career ambitions
  
• Parenting or child-free preferences
  
• Financial attitudes
  

Having clarity on these aspects will help you recognize potential deal-breakers early on. 

“Having a handful of shared values can lead to better alignment in a relationship,” says Jacqulyn. “However, I don’t believe that a couple has to share the same values for a relationship to be successful. For instance, one partner may value religion and the other may not, but if the partner who is less religion-focused is willing to make time and space for religion because it’s important to their partner, then it can work. I think in a relationship, it’s not just about considering both your own needs, but also those of your partner.”

The goal isn’t to be exactly the same; it’s to support each other in creating a relationship that honors both of your beliefs and aspirations. After all, we’re all seeking to be heard, seen, and understood. Having a baseline understanding of each other’s values is a good place to start in that pursuit.