Toxic behaviors in relationships go by lots of names: gaslighting, love bombing, cushioning, but stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down during a difficult conversation or an argument. Not only does it feel frustrating for the person on the receiving end, but it also leaves everyone unsure of how to move forward.  

When stonewalling happens, it can be a sign of something much deeper going on in the relationship. To understand more about the behavior, and how to spot it, we checked in with psychologist Irene Serrano Neira, who works with our expert partners at Bloom, the free, online support program for survivors.

What is stonewalling and how does it show up in a relationship?

“Stonewalling is a communication pattern where an individual essentially withdraws from interaction, refusing to engage with their partner,” says Irene. “It can make you feel invisible, like your words and feelings don’t matter.”

Stonewalling can be a real blow to a relationship. When your partner shuts down and refuses to engage, it can make you feel isolated, and that emotional distance can leave you feeling deeply upset.

“Stonewalling has similar patterns as ‘emotional gridlock,’” adds Irene. “Where partners become entrenched in defensive positions, unable to connect.”

Why do people stonewall?

Stonewalling isn’t someone just being stubborn or rude—it often comes from a place of emotional overwhelm, anxiety, or defensiveness. 

“There are several reasons why stonewalling may occur and not all of them apply in every situation—multiple factors, such as a person’s different social identities (for example, gender, race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, religion, disability, cultural background), can also influence behavior,” explains Irene. 

Here are a few reasons why someone might engage in stonewalling: 

• Physiological overwhelm: Stonewalling often occurs when an individual feels “flooded” or overwhelmed by emotions during a conflict; their bodies enter a state of fight-or-flight and this physiological response can trigger a shutdown as a self-protective mechanism.

• Trauma response: People who have experienced past trauma may resort to stonewalling as a way to protect themselves from perceived threats or emotional vulnerability. Withdrawing emotionally becomes a coping mechanism, and it can be tied to insecure attachment styles. 

• Avoidance: Some people may engage in avoidance to get away from having difficult conversations or confrontations—they may also use it to manipulate sensitive situations. Avoidance can be a defense mechanism, but it can also be a tool for manipulation, so the context, intention, and underlying issues of a stonewall response are crucial here. 

• Avoidance as manipulation: Stonewalling can be used as a form of power or control, to exert dominance in the relationship. This behavior can leave the partner on the receiving end feeling helpless and frustrated, which ultimately creates an imbalance of power in the relationship.   

• Punishment: The avoidant person can make their partner feel rejected and isolated by withdrawing affection and communication. 

• Avoiding accountability: By using stonewalling, a person can avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By not participating in the conversation, they don’t have to admit that they were in the wrong. This leaves the conflict unresolved or shifts all responsibility to the other person.

• Manipulating the other person’s emotions: By remaining silent, the avoidant party can make the other person feel increasingly agitated and emotional. This change in behavior means the affected person appears to be the one who is out of control, shifting responsibility—and even blame—onto them.

The key thing to remember is that, regardless of the reason for stonewalling, it does not justify the behavior.

“If you identify with any of these reasons or patterns and think you might be someone who stonewalls in your relationships, try discussing and finding ways to improve your communication and emotional regulation,” says Irene.

How to deal with stonewalling? 

Understanding that stonewalling isn’t personal is important; it’s often a response to stress or feeling overwhelmed.

“Rather than reacting with anger or frustration, try to stay calm,” says Irene. “Approach your partner gently and express how their silence is making you feel without sounding accusatory.”

Recognizing the behavior is the first step in being able to intervene, but Irene also has some tips on how to address it directly: 

Communicate needs: Use “I” statements to express how stonewalling affects you instead of “You” statements. For example, instead of, “You’re just shutting me out”, try, “When I see you turn away and become silent, I feel like I’m losing connection with you. I need to know that we can work through difficult things together.” It’s about sharing, not attacking. 

Take a break: This allows individuals to regulate their emotions before re-engaging in the conversation. Using self-regulation strategies such as a timeout (for example: “I need a few minutes to calm down”, “Let’s come back to this later”), psychosomatic tools (deep breathing, meditation, or even talking through your stress, that help you manage how your emotions or thoughts can affect your body), breathing tools, or activities involving physical activity (if we feel angry) are good alternatives to prevent conflict from escalating and give space for self-regulation. 

Trauma-informed approach: If your partner has experienced trauma, creating a safe and supportive space for communication is very important. This involves empathy, patience, and non-judgmental listening. 

Understanding the “why”: It’s very important to try to understand the motivations behind the stonewalling. Is it a trauma response? Is it a way to manipulate? Is it a way to control? Is it because the person is overwhelmed? Knowing the “why” can make a huge difference. 

Seek professional help: If stonewalling is a persistent issue, think about seeking couples therapy. A therapist can provide guidance and tools for healthier communication. Also, if trauma is a factor, individual therapy with a therapist experienced in trauma can be helpful. 

It might not be as well-known as other relationship behaviors, but stonewalling can be just as frustrating and upsetting as gaslighting or love bombing. Some people can even stonewall without realizing they’re doing so. If you’re in a relationship and you feel like your partner shuts down frequently, then try to have a conversation with them about it. Opening up that dialogue and trying to get to the root of the issue is key.